Routine

Having totally made up how to look after Holly when she was born. I decided after some reccommendations to read Gina Fords book - which I can not remember the name of at the moment. I saved up a whole £10 whilst pregnant for the second time round after everyone said was the biggest shock ever... going from one child to two. As I seriously could not understand why this would be the case I thought some background reading may give me a bit of insight. Was I missing something really obvious or something?
Now £10 is a LOT of money to me, and even for the more well off everyone knows that £10's add up and should not be wasted. I must say that I thought this book was a big disapointment. I seriously could not believe the first chapter was dedicated to how to launder towels and sheets. I was first pregnant at 24 and I knew how to do that. People do not start doing washing when they have a baby- they have their own clothes abd sheets to practice on before that. The next stumbling block was to find myself reading about how one should help to soundproof the nursery with fitted wardrobes filling a whole wall and how there should always be an easy chair, designed for breastfeeding of course located within the room. Am I the only one who can not afford to live in a palace big enough to fulfil all of these requirements. I'm sure I am not alone in saying that my baby will sleep in a hand me down cot, in a tiny box room with NO wardrobe and there is no room for a chair. He or she will not have a room painted with learning development shapes because our landlord wont let us decorate. I have no doubt that parents exist with the means to create the perfect babyworld but I am one of many who can not. Realistically though...be honest... how many mums of a new born can keep up with Gina's routine of being up, showered, dressed, having eaten a healthy breakfast and sitting ready in your breastfeeding chair ready before your baby wakes by 7am?

My children are great at sleeping in. What I call the 'ignoring because I am asleep' technique works wonders and I have children who sleep a 12 hour night. If I put them to bed at 7 they wake at 7 so if I want to stay in bed til 8 I put them to bed at 8. Generally that is - but when both of them were a few months old they would go through till 8.30 no problem. But only because me and Joel got them used to it.
I don't think you should ever try to create what you think sounds like the routine you 'should' follow if realistically it will wear you out. It's a long slog and pacing yourself is so important. In the pre-school years you can afford for your children to stay up that bit later and to sleep longer in the mornings if you're someone who has late nights. Being in youthwork both me and Joel have lots of evening work. I loved it that until Holly was 15 months we would take her along to youth events. She is so sociable now and I attribute a big part of that to always being around lts of people at social occasions.
Routine can be a good thing...especially if you are someone who has a rigid routine in your everyday life. We are not. Spontenaety is our method. I find out what might happen on any day the night before. Every day is different. Some days Joel is around,some days not, some days we have a car, some days we do not. Some days we are out early, some we are out late. Our Children happily adapt to that - because they are used to it. I know parents that have tried really hard to create a routine for their children but then they end up crippled by it. What is life if your whole week is thrown out if your child is not in their bedroom at 2pm for their hours afternoons sleep - you can never go out for the day, go away, do something on the spur of the moment without the fear of setting off a horrendous week ahead becuause one sleep has been thrown out. I just done see the point of it. I think the only children that go onto needing and responding to strict routine are those who's parents have moulded them into needing it. There is something precious about this method and I do believe it shows real sacrifice on the parents part to put aside their own plans for the nurture of their children but I also strongly believe that children learn such a lot from seeing their parents living their life. A big part of a childs development is learning that the world does not revolve around them - this is their move at the end of adoloscence into interdependence and I think that lesson should no be kept until then. Learning that they are part of a bigger picture and learning about their parent as a person with an agenda other than them surely must lead to a child with a wider understanding who should be less self focused.
I'm also not saying that total chaos is a good environment for children either. I think the key is that they need to understand what is going on, not be in control of it. For example because Joel works different hours every day it is often the case that he is not around at tea time. Family meals are a priority and whoever is in at teatime will sit around the table and will have a family meal. If someone is not in we will talk about what is happening to explain to he children where Daddy or Mummy is that day. We want our children to understand what is going on, where everyone is, who we are working with, what we are doing and when they have a change in their normal activities why that is. All it is is a simple form of respect and I do think it translates as such for a baby. A reassuring cuddle or tone in your voice can create the right environment for a baby who is taken out of their routine and make them feel the same way as they may do in the safety of a pattern that they are used to.

Intro

This blog is my journey in parenting. Before my fist sentence is even complete I am interrupted by a high pitched squeal that I must now go and investigate!
I'm writing this not because I have any trained expertese and formulas but because I do spend a lot of time processing how my parenting is going to afect my children and our family life. The main assets I think that I bring to this difficult task is 1) I have a creative way of approaching things. 2) as a youthworker I have dealt with countless problems teenagers face, and know that they put a lot of the blame, rightly or wrongly, goes on the parents. I try always to be aware of the bigger picture of the child's development and I do believe that decisions I make these days as my children are very small will have some influence over their lives in years to come.

I was introduced to motherhood very unexpectedly...I did not have sex until I was married...something I made a decision about as a teenager and am glad that I stuck to. I met Joel at university and we were married soon after leaving. 4 months after our wedding we went on holiday to Mallorca. We'd not had a very romantic honeymoon...we were shattered after a tough 6 months moving to a new city and planning the wedding, new jobs, tough living arrangements and so I spent most of the time asleep. We'd gone to a remote holiday cabin in Scotland which belonged to a family and was advertised basically in a 'cheap holiday's in other people's homes for people who are a bit strapped for cash' magazine and remote it was. In reality it was remote in a 'nothing to do' way and the cabin was full of another familys stuff and far from romantic. So feeling a bit upset to miss out on a beautiful honeymoon we booked to go to Mallorca later in the year when it would be cheaper. There IS a reason it is cheap in late October. If you thought it was just because of term times you are wrong - it is because it is cold.
I spent the week stubbornly sitting on the beach in my bikini simply because I had gone on a package holiday to Mallorca. Secretly I was craving a cosy big jumper but I may as well have stayed in England if I was to give into that so sunbathing became a series of quick walks along the beach...just to keep our bodies a bit warmer! One day,whilst on one of these walks I had what could be described as a wierd experience. As a Christian I believe that God speaks. I believe this because realistically if God is capable of creating a universe he is surely capable of communicating - which is something even I can do and I find it difficult to create a lasagne. I also believe in a God who cares about us, especially when we committ to putting him first in our lives and so he will speak to us to help us out in that. So anyway... i do try to listen for ways that Gid speaks all the time. i know some people hear God's voice as an audible sound but that has never yet happened to me - however as we were walking along the beach that day and I was just looking down at the sand I felt strong voice in my mind saying, and so clearly 'i want you to stop drinking' It was a strange thing to hear and I was a little confused. I had gone though a stage of heavyish drinking whilst I was younger and had come through that with som pretty strong opinions about alcohol abuse. Though I occasionally drank in moderation I would never get drunk and didn't even really enjoy drinking anymore. Still we were on holiday and were more likely to go out for meals and drink and go for cocktails whilst we were there. Strait away I said to Joel what I had heard and he questioned it. He said he didn;t know wht God would say that to me as I was not nto drinking anyway - all the same things I had just thought myself but I told him that maybe I did have some issue with alcohol that I was just not aware. Otherwise I as totally wrong and it wasn't God but anyhow giving up alcohol was not going to do me any harm anyway. So that was that...no more holiday cocktails!
The following week we were back in Birmingham, back to work and with no sun tan! I went to a class at fitness first - one with power in the title - so I braced myself for it to be a bit harder than normal. It was but felt good to be pushing myself but the next day I could not get out of bed. I felt terrible and my stomach hurt from too many sit ups and I felt sick. This went on for the rest of the week and another week. I was dragging myself out of bed for meetings but felt so rough and the rest of the time I was either in bed, watching Des & Mel, or looking so attractive with my head own the toilet. I spoke to an old friend on the phone and when I had to excuse myself from the conversation for a moment whilst I was sick in the bin she asked whether I thought I might be pregnant. I can't quite remember now whether I really was that dim or whether I just hadn't wanted to face up to a sneaky suspicion.
So, yes, my introduction to motherhood was unexpected and pretty grim but equally I have always felt confident about it simply becasue I take strength knowing that God knew about this baby before I did and cared enough about it to not let me endanger it when I did not know.
So I never had chance to get broody, I never had a lovely picture in my mind of what it would be like with my lovely little angel of a baby making my life all cosy and complete. To be honest I was terrified, shocked, worried about all the plans I had and how I would be able to do my job, aware that we could not afford it, and most of all sick. But I believe in people. Investing in people and encouraging them to be the best that they can be is what my life and my work is all about so I could hardly not apply the same principle to my own child so I braced myself to get on with it and give it my all. In this blog I will talk about how I have and do tackle issues I face and my opinions on things parents have to deal with. Like I say... I am no Miriam Stoppard and certainly no Gina Ford but I am idealistic and I don't see why anyone has to feel defeated as a parent and can not enjoy bringing up confident and happy children. I am opinionated and am prone to seeing things as black and white - so I certainly would be interested in any comments of agreement or disagreement... I'm up for a debate!