How does marriage work?

So is marriage something that eventually gets easier when you reach old age... when you are no longer so busy juggling 5 million things and pulling small children away from swishing thier hands in the toilet water? I love the relationship Joel and I have - we are great friends most of the time we really understand each other. I love the way that he really knows what I need...he pushes me to do things that he knows are important to me...even when I wouldn't dare and even when it puts him out to do so. I love it that we understand each others work, vision and interests... that we're in to so many of the same things but both have our own avenues to get on with things. But seriously does life get less busy? Our time together seems to be a whirlwind of chaos...the space in the daytime is filled with activity of entertaining the children, but the main time we see each other is when one of us runs i the house , hands over the car keys and a child and the other rushes out. This maybe happens 20 odd times until the children's bedtime. Then it is focus time - all the things we have needed to get done in the day but couldn't, all the me time, work time, creative time...the evenings are a hive of creative activity in our house. Even now at 1.30 - gosh I did NOT realise it had got THAT LATE! I am writing away and Joel is crafting songs in the lounge next to me. Together but both in our very own different head space. I do love that but how fo you switch off? How can we spend time together that isn't busy? Seriously do you have to wait until your children have grown up before you get any sort of normality back?

Woodland Fairy Adventure

Not being able to go away on a nice sunny holiday over the summertime forces me to think creatively. Joel is at home for 2 weeks so I will take ful advantage of the fact he is around - and that is a special thing for the children to be aware of so we must make the most of everyday. If you are reading this I hope you find some of my ideas helpful, managable - in fact - if my ideas could be anything I could choose them to be -it would be 'simple genius'. I do hate getting ideas books, resource sessions, recipe books etc - youth work, home, life -they are all thrown at you - that are full of things that would be great if your local tesco express actually stocked shiney corregated crepe paper or psyllium seeds and if you had all the DIY, cookery, artistic skills to assemble all the ideas and if you had an extra 60 hours to add on to your current week. Well I work very last minute and believe that simplicity is a very important key to bringing up my children.
Today we went for a walk in the woods - Joel is keen to give the children a heart for the great outdoors but Holly acted the same way I remember being when I was dragged around the counrtyside when I was 14 so when Joel suggested she would grow out of moaning about it I was not so hopeful. We ended up engaging her a fair bit - doing the classic collection of different things we found and talking about each one to have a little leg rest. Sitting on the kitchen table as I write is a little wooden pot of dead buttercups, twigs, feathers etc all ready for making a collage tomorrow. So to improve her impression of the woods we have decided to go back tomorrow - but this time we are more prepared.

Our Fairy/Grizzly Bear Woodland Picnic
Tonight Holly helped me to get our picnic bag ready - we have packed it with beach mats to sit on and a net. We have one of those over the bed mosquito nets - it was about £4 from Ikea and comes in really handy. I sewed some fake flowers onto it to make it look that bit prettier and found after it fell off the ceiling that it comes in useful for outside as can hang off to make a gorgeous little outside den. We're taking that to hang off a tree somewhere and have a picnic inside. We will go in fancy dress. We always have a boys theme as well as a girls theme - Elijah will have his say when he is speaking but for now Holly decides. So fairies and grizzly bears it is. As parents we make an effort to dress up a bit too - we do not have outfits for every occasion but at least a token effort I think should be made. I don't like to be the sort of parent that distances themselves from the childs imagination play when we can be involved and make it more fun for them. And what better way to grow a deep and lasting friendship with your children than by actually playing with them and involving yourself in what they are thinking about.
Tonight I'm getting a bit of food ready and a few little touches to make it memorable.
ADVENTURE I have printed a letter on some glittery paper to put for Holly to find in the the morning...
Dear Holly, Princess of the Woodland Fairies,
We would like you to come to the woods tomorrow for a woodland fairy and grizzly bear picnic. Please bring some yummy food with you and a few of your grizzly bear friends.
We will probably be sleeping in our beautiful fairy beds so you will have to come and wake us.
Love from the Woodland Fairies
xx
p.s. the woods look a bit dull. Could you please sprinkle them with fairy dust when you arrive.

I have spent a couple of pounds - not necesary as things from around the house can help to create the same experience - *a grizzly bear toy for Elijah to find -one of those little plastic animals. *A chearleader pompom - for shaking over the plants and trees - an imagination excercise of sprinkling the woods with fairy dust - this is something I saw at a party by an amazingly creative party workshop/dance teacher does. *2 little fairies to hide in the woods. I am making them a blanket out of scraps of material and these will be hidden for holly to find at some point tomorrow. Today we were looking for big leaves that looked like they might be fairy beds so tomorrow we are going to find some faries actually asleep in them. I always remember once my next door neighbour in our back garden telling me that fairies had been in the night and had left treasure in trees. The trees that divided our gardens were hiding a handful of quality streets or something but I just remember the magical feeling when I saw bright shiney wrappers underneath some of the branches. I totally believed that faries had been and for ages afterwards I used to look through those brances hoping the fairies had been back. So it really isn't necessary to spend money. The wonder of childhood is never about being spoilt with stuff to play with - it's in those few special memories, experiences that totally capture you and take you somewhere really different. Tomorrow I want Holly to believe we are going to theland of the woodland fairies and she will get that from the littlest things.
I think we'll collect things again - but I will take paper and glue with me - not much extra to throw in the bag but it will be again a totally different experience to be doing a collage there and bringing it home.
FOOD again simple. I am terrible when it comes to food. I also have had the tendency to go over the top - and get EVERYTHING that i could possibly think of that might be nice on a nice occasion. I have learnt that this is expensive, and stupid. Putting a theme in your activity should help this. So tomorrow as it's a woodland picnic I have made some fairy cakes - the treat - however they are basically crap and look nothing like fairy cakes - but they are different to normal so it ticks that box! I will cut sanwiches with biscuit cutters to make them interesting, and it is a good opportunity to have a couple of things we wouldn't normally eat - dates, dried mango, extra veggies and fruit- if it looks woodlandy I do run the risk that they wont eat anything but if they are captured by the make believe then they will eat within that idea.
I am a firm believer that the more random something is and totally out of the ordinary the more it will stand out amongst the memories later on and I know I remember lots of unrelated strange places, bizarre people and funny experiences but have forgotton pretty much all of my safe, structured, routine days. I would hate o deprive my children of memories by sticking to what I know works with them. Before me and Joel got married we talked about how we would bring up children and ideas that we still look forward to in a couple of years time like country nights where we dress up in traditional costume from another counrty and work on creating our outfits together, learn about that culture, eat the food and learn some of the language together as a family, and that we would have nights where we all pile under the table downstairs for the night in a mass sleepover and other such bizarre things - all under the roof of our own home! I will keep writing about how they all go!

Routine

Having totally made up how to look after Holly when she was born. I decided after some reccommendations to read Gina Fords book - which I can not remember the name of at the moment. I saved up a whole £10 whilst pregnant for the second time round after everyone said was the biggest shock ever... going from one child to two. As I seriously could not understand why this would be the case I thought some background reading may give me a bit of insight. Was I missing something really obvious or something?
Now £10 is a LOT of money to me, and even for the more well off everyone knows that £10's add up and should not be wasted. I must say that I thought this book was a big disapointment. I seriously could not believe the first chapter was dedicated to how to launder towels and sheets. I was first pregnant at 24 and I knew how to do that. People do not start doing washing when they have a baby- they have their own clothes abd sheets to practice on before that. The next stumbling block was to find myself reading about how one should help to soundproof the nursery with fitted wardrobes filling a whole wall and how there should always be an easy chair, designed for breastfeeding of course located within the room. Am I the only one who can not afford to live in a palace big enough to fulfil all of these requirements. I'm sure I am not alone in saying that my baby will sleep in a hand me down cot, in a tiny box room with NO wardrobe and there is no room for a chair. He or she will not have a room painted with learning development shapes because our landlord wont let us decorate. I have no doubt that parents exist with the means to create the perfect babyworld but I am one of many who can not. Realistically though...be honest... how many mums of a new born can keep up with Gina's routine of being up, showered, dressed, having eaten a healthy breakfast and sitting ready in your breastfeeding chair ready before your baby wakes by 7am?

My children are great at sleeping in. What I call the 'ignoring because I am asleep' technique works wonders and I have children who sleep a 12 hour night. If I put them to bed at 7 they wake at 7 so if I want to stay in bed til 8 I put them to bed at 8. Generally that is - but when both of them were a few months old they would go through till 8.30 no problem. But only because me and Joel got them used to it.
I don't think you should ever try to create what you think sounds like the routine you 'should' follow if realistically it will wear you out. It's a long slog and pacing yourself is so important. In the pre-school years you can afford for your children to stay up that bit later and to sleep longer in the mornings if you're someone who has late nights. Being in youthwork both me and Joel have lots of evening work. I loved it that until Holly was 15 months we would take her along to youth events. She is so sociable now and I attribute a big part of that to always being around lts of people at social occasions.
Routine can be a good thing...especially if you are someone who has a rigid routine in your everyday life. We are not. Spontenaety is our method. I find out what might happen on any day the night before. Every day is different. Some days Joel is around,some days not, some days we have a car, some days we do not. Some days we are out early, some we are out late. Our Children happily adapt to that - because they are used to it. I know parents that have tried really hard to create a routine for their children but then they end up crippled by it. What is life if your whole week is thrown out if your child is not in their bedroom at 2pm for their hours afternoons sleep - you can never go out for the day, go away, do something on the spur of the moment without the fear of setting off a horrendous week ahead becuause one sleep has been thrown out. I just done see the point of it. I think the only children that go onto needing and responding to strict routine are those who's parents have moulded them into needing it. There is something precious about this method and I do believe it shows real sacrifice on the parents part to put aside their own plans for the nurture of their children but I also strongly believe that children learn such a lot from seeing their parents living their life. A big part of a childs development is learning that the world does not revolve around them - this is their move at the end of adoloscence into interdependence and I think that lesson should no be kept until then. Learning that they are part of a bigger picture and learning about their parent as a person with an agenda other than them surely must lead to a child with a wider understanding who should be less self focused.
I'm also not saying that total chaos is a good environment for children either. I think the key is that they need to understand what is going on, not be in control of it. For example because Joel works different hours every day it is often the case that he is not around at tea time. Family meals are a priority and whoever is in at teatime will sit around the table and will have a family meal. If someone is not in we will talk about what is happening to explain to he children where Daddy or Mummy is that day. We want our children to understand what is going on, where everyone is, who we are working with, what we are doing and when they have a change in their normal activities why that is. All it is is a simple form of respect and I do think it translates as such for a baby. A reassuring cuddle or tone in your voice can create the right environment for a baby who is taken out of their routine and make them feel the same way as they may do in the safety of a pattern that they are used to.

Intro

This blog is my journey in parenting. Before my fist sentence is even complete I am interrupted by a high pitched squeal that I must now go and investigate!
I'm writing this not because I have any trained expertese and formulas but because I do spend a lot of time processing how my parenting is going to afect my children and our family life. The main assets I think that I bring to this difficult task is 1) I have a creative way of approaching things. 2) as a youthworker I have dealt with countless problems teenagers face, and know that they put a lot of the blame, rightly or wrongly, goes on the parents. I try always to be aware of the bigger picture of the child's development and I do believe that decisions I make these days as my children are very small will have some influence over their lives in years to come.

I was introduced to motherhood very unexpectedly...I did not have sex until I was married...something I made a decision about as a teenager and am glad that I stuck to. I met Joel at university and we were married soon after leaving. 4 months after our wedding we went on holiday to Mallorca. We'd not had a very romantic honeymoon...we were shattered after a tough 6 months moving to a new city and planning the wedding, new jobs, tough living arrangements and so I spent most of the time asleep. We'd gone to a remote holiday cabin in Scotland which belonged to a family and was advertised basically in a 'cheap holiday's in other people's homes for people who are a bit strapped for cash' magazine and remote it was. In reality it was remote in a 'nothing to do' way and the cabin was full of another familys stuff and far from romantic. So feeling a bit upset to miss out on a beautiful honeymoon we booked to go to Mallorca later in the year when it would be cheaper. There IS a reason it is cheap in late October. If you thought it was just because of term times you are wrong - it is because it is cold.
I spent the week stubbornly sitting on the beach in my bikini simply because I had gone on a package holiday to Mallorca. Secretly I was craving a cosy big jumper but I may as well have stayed in England if I was to give into that so sunbathing became a series of quick walks along the beach...just to keep our bodies a bit warmer! One day,whilst on one of these walks I had what could be described as a wierd experience. As a Christian I believe that God speaks. I believe this because realistically if God is capable of creating a universe he is surely capable of communicating - which is something even I can do and I find it difficult to create a lasagne. I also believe in a God who cares about us, especially when we committ to putting him first in our lives and so he will speak to us to help us out in that. So anyway... i do try to listen for ways that Gid speaks all the time. i know some people hear God's voice as an audible sound but that has never yet happened to me - however as we were walking along the beach that day and I was just looking down at the sand I felt strong voice in my mind saying, and so clearly 'i want you to stop drinking' It was a strange thing to hear and I was a little confused. I had gone though a stage of heavyish drinking whilst I was younger and had come through that with som pretty strong opinions about alcohol abuse. Though I occasionally drank in moderation I would never get drunk and didn't even really enjoy drinking anymore. Still we were on holiday and were more likely to go out for meals and drink and go for cocktails whilst we were there. Strait away I said to Joel what I had heard and he questioned it. He said he didn;t know wht God would say that to me as I was not nto drinking anyway - all the same things I had just thought myself but I told him that maybe I did have some issue with alcohol that I was just not aware. Otherwise I as totally wrong and it wasn't God but anyhow giving up alcohol was not going to do me any harm anyway. So that was that...no more holiday cocktails!
The following week we were back in Birmingham, back to work and with no sun tan! I went to a class at fitness first - one with power in the title - so I braced myself for it to be a bit harder than normal. It was but felt good to be pushing myself but the next day I could not get out of bed. I felt terrible and my stomach hurt from too many sit ups and I felt sick. This went on for the rest of the week and another week. I was dragging myself out of bed for meetings but felt so rough and the rest of the time I was either in bed, watching Des & Mel, or looking so attractive with my head own the toilet. I spoke to an old friend on the phone and when I had to excuse myself from the conversation for a moment whilst I was sick in the bin she asked whether I thought I might be pregnant. I can't quite remember now whether I really was that dim or whether I just hadn't wanted to face up to a sneaky suspicion.
So, yes, my introduction to motherhood was unexpected and pretty grim but equally I have always felt confident about it simply becasue I take strength knowing that God knew about this baby before I did and cared enough about it to not let me endanger it when I did not know.
So I never had chance to get broody, I never had a lovely picture in my mind of what it would be like with my lovely little angel of a baby making my life all cosy and complete. To be honest I was terrified, shocked, worried about all the plans I had and how I would be able to do my job, aware that we could not afford it, and most of all sick. But I believe in people. Investing in people and encouraging them to be the best that they can be is what my life and my work is all about so I could hardly not apply the same principle to my own child so I braced myself to get on with it and give it my all. In this blog I will talk about how I have and do tackle issues I face and my opinions on things parents have to deal with. Like I say... I am no Miriam Stoppard and certainly no Gina Ford but I am idealistic and I don't see why anyone has to feel defeated as a parent and can not enjoy bringing up confident and happy children. I am opinionated and am prone to seeing things as black and white - so I certainly would be interested in any comments of agreement or disagreement... I'm up for a debate!